There's a very simple resolution to all 3 of those. I'll tackle number 3 first. Try to find someone locally with the software and have them code this. I recall being able to turn the volume down on the chimes through the iDrive but I could be mistaken.
As for the first two... just drive the car and change things when the car tells you to. The car will tell you when the oil is low and when you need a change and when the battery is dead, just replace it with a BMW battery at the dealer. It's a small price to pay for peace of mind but it's worth it. I had mine for 3 years and changed everything according to the BMW maintenance plan and the car worked quite well.
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2014 CC R-Line DSG | 2010 S4 Sold | 2010 BMW 135i Retired | 2006 Lotus Exige Sold