Ok. I'm admittedly a dumbass — when I originally checked the Adaptive Headlights (by standing in front and having somebody start up the car), I didn't have the headlight switch on A. I just re-checked it with the switch in the proper position and the working, driver's side does its centering, self-check process.
I just ordered a new ballast and module so I'm hoping that will fix it. I'll update here with any changes.
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