HELP! So many CELs!

[Thirdkelley]

First off, I have an 08 135i with jb4 g5 ISO and FBO w/o meth, running 93 octane fuel.

This is a hectic day...I'm currently waiting for AAA to arrive with a flatbed to tow my car to my local tuning shop. I was driving the car today and yesterday and everything was perfectly fine. I stopped at the store for something, and when I go to my car after to start it, it cranks for about 5 seconds and then turns on. The engine sounds weird, and it is shaking. I have various lights come on: DSC malfunction, DBC malfunction, Fuel pump error, yellow brake light, power steering failure, and more. I managed to take a picture of the lights. (Two days ago I took my jb4 out and unclipped the ecu from the ecu box so that I could route the jb4 USB cable to the glovebox). I did have my laptop with me and connected with the jb4 to read codes, and there were none. The car was hardly accelerating and wouldn't shift. My rpm tachometer wouldn't move either... could all this have to do with maybe a miscommunication with the jb4 and the ecu? Also my battery almost died two days ago as well, but I managed to get it started before it did completely. Someone told me that the battery getting close to dying can sometimes mess with the ecu. Any theories? car has been running fine and I Havnt had any issues like this before. bought car from bmw 2 months ago...

[Thirdkelley]

Here are the pictures I managed to get

[135Pats]

Wait so you can't pull any codes from the CAN feed? that doesn't make sense.

This sounds like a "routine" misfire but we'll need something more detailed to pin it down.