relationship question

[Explorer3253]

yeah yeah..im sure its getting old but i figured since everyone else is asking...why not?

so i've known my "ex" for about 5 to 6 years...we were extremely close...did everything together and enjoyed every bit of it. We had some trust issues that I thought was being worked out (on her end). Last fall semester she got very shady and disappeared so I broke up with her. She ended up going out with some other guy and is currently with him. (it caught me off guard b/c i was her first real b/f and her first everything..she also claims that she didnt "do" anything with him which for some reason I dont believe if a guy talks to a girl for 8 months. (she said she is not that type of girl and was wrongof me to think she would, although I think she may of))

She claimed that she was getting very scared w/ me b/c we were getting too serious and also she relied me on everything for her in life and couldn't do anything herself and felt that if she didnt break away she'd be reliant on me always (i'm 2 years older and out of college). Last weekend I decided to sit down and talk with her after 8 months of not talking. She claims she loves me, am her soul mate, misses me, and wants to work things out. I went in looking for closure, and ended up leaving that night confused and getting all those old feelings back. I know I can't trust her right now and it would be a long road ahead if anything. I really don't know what to do. She is leaving the country this week for 2 months as it is. She said she would end things with him so we could start over and as of now she hasn't. She claims that she won't do it online and that his phone is messed up so she can't get in contact with him. She also said that she felt awkward b/c she will be breaking up with him out of nowhere since "nothing" was wrong. I advised her that if thats the case, stay with him and i'll keep it moving. She says that she needs me in her life and wants it to work.

I really care about her deeply but I am scared crapless to get hurt again. If she was to be 100% honest with me, I could eventually learn to trust her again. I just don't understand what I should do or what I should expect. Apparantly she hasn't told me anything yet. I don't know if shes still too young minded or what the case is. Shes going to be 22 next month. I've tried hanging out with other girls, and it never seems right. I never feel that same comfort level.

dp you think i should possibly be open about it or just attempt to walk away...i mean i've tried to walk away before but i keep thinking about her and getting pulled back in into contacting her

[ward]

I would mail her dog doo

that seems to always work for me!

[flush01]

i would never take her back... at one point she decided you're not for her and screwed you over... then she went and banged another guy (i'm sure she did, noone dates a girl for 8months for nothing)... now things aint working out between them and she decides to give you a call (and tell you bullsh!t like things are ok between them but she wants you lol)... now you ganna run to her like an idiot and take her back, then she will find someone else to replace you and you going to be back posting about it... i'm telling you, eventho sometimes it looks like females are dumb, they are not, they act very well... so my advice MOVE ON, don't be a fool (I was that fool once but never again)

[MB330]

Originally Posted by flush01

i would never take her back... at one point she decided you're not for her and screwed you over... then she went and banged another guy (i'm sure she did, noone dates a girl for 8months for nothing)... now things aint working out between them and she decides to give you a call (and tell you bullsh!t like things are ok between them but she wants you lol)... now you ganna run to her like an idiot and take her back, then she will find someone else to replace you and you going to be back posting about it... i'm telling you, eventho sometimes it looks like females are dumb, they are not, they act very well... so my advice MOVE ON, don't be a fool (I was that fool once but never again)

Totaly Agree with flush!

[Explorer3253]

ahh! why are girls soo much trouble! i hate how i always end up thinking shes telling me the truth when she says stuff... but at same time, if she was telling the truth about everything i'd of been seen "action" opposed to these "words" that shes been feeding me

oh yeah..she didn't call me..i was the idiot that called her last week and told her we should meet up and talk b/ci was anticipating some sort of closure on my end to move on...and while sitten there talking to her is when i felt like i wanted us back together at one point...i dont know what im doing or why i'm sooo dumb!!

I can't figure out why I can't move on. I saw the poster below who was engaged for 13 years and then moved seperate ways (although I find that very sad, I give him alot of credit / respect for moving on!) It makes me feel selfish b/c other people have been near married or married and then have a heartbreak. But they still move on? Why the hell can't I?!

[flush01]

Originally Posted by Explorer3253

ahh! why are girls soo much trouble! i hate how i always end up thinking shes telling me the truth when she says stuff... but at same time, if she was telling the truth about everything i'd of been seen "action" opposed to these "words" that shes been feeding me

oh yeah..she didn't call me..i was the idiot that called her last week and told her we should meet up and talk b/ci was anticipating some sort of closure on my end to move on...and while sitten there talking to her is when i felt like i wanted us back together at one point...i dont know what im doing or why i'm sooo dumb!!

I can't figure out why I can't move on. I saw the poster below who was engaged for 13 years and then moved seperate ways (although I find that very sad, I give him alot of credit / respect for moving on!) It makes me feel selfish b/c other people have been near married or married and then have a heartbreak. But they still move on? Why the hell can't I?!

ya, I can't either, and it's been over a year... the reason for me I think is because I want someone better then her, and it's tough to find someone to even match her... I end up always comparing new girl to the old one, and most of the time the new girl fails in my mind... i'm just telling you that even if you get back together, it won't work in a long run, so it's better to deal with it right now then waisiting another few years.. good luck man

[Explorer3253]

thanks flush01. I think you are right. Every girl I hang out with can't come close to what I think of her. Although she screwed me over really bad, we had some amazing times! I always felt she was the person I could run to and thought she might have been the "one". Until she did what she did, and I just couldn't believe that she screwed me over and moved on! It hurt even more when I had new things going in on my life, and had noone to call and share. Its just an amazing feeling that I have when she is around me, however when shes not around me, I always have the fear that she may be doing me wrong. Even when we had any arguments, we would always argue with a smile on our faces, of course there were angry moments or "crying" moments, but it always seemed like we could pull through anything.....But the major factor to me is that she went out with someone else and that really killed me! I don't think I would ever be able to let that behind and work on our relationship b/c I'm always going to wonder if she did "do" something with him.

Do you have any hints on how to move on? I'm not a very open guy to begin with, so I won't just go out and talk to a random girl...and if I do it'll only take me about 4 hours to gain courage...

[flush01]

Originally Posted by Explorer3253

thanks flush01. I think you are right. Every girl I hang out with can't come close to what I think of her. Although she screwed me over really bad, we had some amazing times! I always felt she was the person I could run to and thought she might have been the "one". Until she did what she did, and I just couldn't believe that she screwed me over and moved on! It hurt even more when I had new things going in on my life, and had noone to call and share. Its just an amazing feeling that I have when she is around me, however when shes not around me, I always have the fear that she may be doing me wrong. Even when we had any arguments, we would always argue with a smile on our faces, of course there were angry moments or "crying" moments, but it always seemed like we could pull through anything.....But the major factor to me is that she went out with someone else and that really killed me! I don't think I would ever be able to let that behind and work on our relationship b/c I'm always going to wonder if she did "do" something with him.

Do you have any hints on how to move on? I'm not a very open guy to begin with, so I won't just go out and talk to a random girl...and if I do it'll only take me about 4 hours to gain courage...

well sure you had moments, everyone does... but think about this, if you really loved her would you go out with another girl and screw her over ? of course not, BUT she did that to you... see where I'm getting at ? and it doesn't metter if she did stuff with him or not, it's plain and simple principals, she CHOSE someone else over you, end of the story (you can keep over thinking stuff forever but it won't change what she did).. I haven't really figured out how to completely move on, but I started going to gym 4-5 days a week right after, that helped ALOT... not only do you get angre out, but I also look like a different person (went from 165 pounds to 190 of somewhat pure muscle ) ... but i doubt i will move on 100% until I find the girl i really interested in

[Explorer3253]

i did the same as well, and gained about 20lbs as well....thanks for the insight man!

and you are 100% right, i would NEVER of looked for another girl b/c i was very happy with her...we did have our problems with trust, but the ironic part was i had in my mind that once she got through that first semester i was going to feel comfortable about treating her with more affection. I did do one thing wrong which was i held back alot of affection for quite a few months so she claimed that "she didnt feel like my g/f and you felt more like a friend"...she tried to flip it on me to make me feel like i brought it upon myself. She knew I didnt trust her and we were working on it, and I told her well if you felt that you weren't getting what you want from me, you should have sat down and talked to me instead of disappearing from me! That was probably the worst feeling ever! To have someone you love and known for 6 years...(basically your best friend!!) up and leave you and not give you a reason or anything. She just ignored my calls until I was forced to break up w/ her because of it. It made me feel like I was a nothing and a nobody!! If i was some random guy who knew her for a month and she ditched me, its understandable...but not after everything we went through. How can anyone possibly do that to someone!!

Her reasoning was "i knew you weren't happy and if i stayed around we woulda both been unhappy and i figured you'd move on if you hated me..blah blah blah...and if we never really ended it, then there would be a possibility of us getting back together since it was left open ended"

I laughed in her face b/c that was the STUPIDEST thing i heard in my life. By doing what she did, she ruined it more than anything..if she woulda simply said lets go on a break for a bit. I may have been upset, but we may still have been in each others lives for the past 8 months opposed to not knowing anything about each other!

[bavarian19]

If its a girl that you need to chase consistantly, shes not worth your time... move on...

I have taken a very loose approach to females (whatever is meant to be will work out, so dont fret over them), and it has provided me with some successful relationships. You might have some down time, but thats when you say to yourself, who cares, go out with friends, and have some fun...

[Squawks]

Hey, Explorer - was she your first? Sounds like you hooked up with her at a young age of just 18 - as Sheryl Crow says, "First cut is the deepest".

[Explorer3253]

Originally Posted by Squawks

Hey, Explorer - was she your first? Sounds like you hooked up with her at a young age of just 18 - as Sheryl Crow says, "First cut is the deepest".

yeah..she was my first. I met her when I was 17...and I'm not going on 24...you're right..this is one deep cut!!! it just sucks b/c shes seen me grow up and go through my stages..and sad to say, she also helped me become the person I became today. She knows me like the back of my hand as I thought i knew her. I'm having such a hard time letting go..its been 8 months

[Explorer3253]

Originally Posted by bavarian19

If its a girl that you need to chase consistantly, shes not worth your time... move on...

I have taken a very loose approach to females (whatever is meant to be will work out, so dont fret over them), and it has provided me with some successful relationships. You might have some down time, but thats when you say to yourself, who cares, go out with friends, and have some fun...

I've gone on many trips in the past 8 months with my friends, and I'm in the city every weekend going on and having a good time. I just really miss having a girl around to "have fun" and grab dinner or go to the movies and things like that...

[flush01]

Originally Posted by Explorer3253

i did the same as well, and gained about 20lbs as well....thanks for the insight man!

and you are 100% right, i would NEVER of looked for another girl b/c i was very happy with her...we did have our problems with trust, but the ironic part was i had in my mind that once she got through that first semester i was going to feel comfortable about treating her with more affection. I did do one thing wrong which was i held back alot of affection for quite a few months so she claimed that "she didnt feel like my g/f and you felt more like a friend"...she tried to flip it on me to make me feel like i brought it upon myself. She knew I didnt trust her and we were working on it, and I told her well if you felt that you weren't getting what you want from me, you should have sat down and talked to me instead of disappearing from me! That was probably the worst feeling ever! To have someone you love and known for 6 years...(basically your best friend!!) up and leave you and not give you a reason or anything. She just ignored my calls until I was forced to break up w/ her because of it. It made me feel like I was a nothing and a nobody!! If i was some random guy who knew her for a month and she ditched me, its understandable...but not after everything we went through. How can anyone possibly do that to someone!!

Her reasoning was "i knew you weren't happy and if i stayed around we woulda both been unhappy and i figured you'd move on if you hated me..blah blah blah...and if we never really ended it, then there would be a possibility of us getting back together since it was left open ended"

I laughed in her face b/c that was the STUPIDEST thing i heard in my life. By doing what she did, she ruined it more than anything..if she woulda simply said lets go on a break for a bit. I may have been upset, but we may still have been in each others lives for the past 8 months opposed to not knowing anything about each other!

it's funny you say that because I didn't show her full attention either.. but my reasoning was that when we were at the mall or whatever, if I go to washroom, I come back and some mothef@cker already talking to her (which drove me INSANE, but I didnt show like it bothered me), so if I showed too much attention she would bail even quicker... no attention approach works greate I must say ..and whatever she's telling you is plain bullsh!t, trust me, if she wanted to be with you there would be nothing in this world that would of stopped her.. if you REALLY like the girl, would you really screw her over like that thinking "sh!t I might get back with her in 8months or so, but for now I'm ganna sit here and press mute botton when she calls"...hell no, you woldn't... I just wish this summer I will see my ex on a beach or something with some ugly ass mofo and watch her jaw drop


ps. sorry for my english, I hope it all made sence

[Explorer3253]

it made perfect sense yeah..i had my reasoning for me holding back attn...if she woulda wanted us to be together, she woulda sat down and talked to me about how she was feeling and the conversation we had this past week would have happened a year ago...not now...and i hate the fact that if i tell her "dont call me b/c i can't deal with it" thats what she does..she doesn't call. She'll be like well you told me not to call you so i didnt want to get you mad. I'm like listen!! I know I'm you're first real b/f..but its common sense that if you love someone YOU PUT UP A FIGHT!! you don't just let things go and hope it'll work its way out eventualy. It gets me so mad, b/c after every issue we had when it came to trust, it was me that went back to her...She would make up with me on the little fights, but the little ones don't mean anything! We talked again yesterday and she's like I'll call you tonight....well its 8pm now, and she hasn't even called yet! Its like WTF!! I hate having hope!!

[flush01]

Originally Posted by Explorer3253

it made perfect sense yeah..i had my reasoning for me holding back attn...if she woulda wanted us to be together, she woulda sat down and talked to me about how she was feeling and the conversation we had this past week would have happened a year ago...not now...and i hate the fact that if i tell her "dont call me b/c i can't deal with it" thats what she does..she doesn't call. She'll be like well you told me not to call you so i didnt want to get you mad. I'm like listen!! I know I'm you're first real b/f..but its common sense that if you love someone YOU PUT UP A FIGHT!! you don't just let things go and hope it'll work its way out eventualy. It gets me so mad, b/c after every issue we had when it came to trust, it was me that went back to her...She would make up with me on the little fights, but the little ones don't mean anything! We talked again yesterday and she's like I'll call you tonight....well its 8pm now, and she hasn't even called yet! Its like WTF!! I hate having hope!!

well ya, if you always beg her that's no good... you need to move on man, nometter how hot (believe me on this one ) she is ... seems like she doesn't know wtf she wants, and she's telling you all this bullsh!t to feel liked or loved again... it's not supose to be like that, she supose to know that she wants you, period, no ifs or buts or sh!t will work out on it's own (i mean who says that lol)... nothing happens on it's own you need to put work into it, and you did, but she likes the "sh!t working out on its own approch"

it's like if you go to the bank and like the girl who works there, you can either go for the kill and ask her out (and take that 10% chance that she will say yes) or you can just say to yourself "if it's ment to be she will be mine by itself" which is 0% chance ... it's plain stupid to think like that

[aapriadi]

Originally Posted by Explorer3253

yeah yeah..im sure its getting old but i figured since everyone else is asking...why not?

so i've known my "ex" for about 5 to 6 years...we were extremely close...did everything together and enjoyed every bit of it. We had some trust issues that I thought was being worked out (on her end). Last fall semester she got very shady and disappeared so I broke up with her. She ended up going out with some other guy and is currently with him. (it caught me off guard b/c i was her first real b/f and her first everything..she also claims that she didnt "do" anything with him which for some reason I dont believe if a guy talks to a girl for 8 months. (she said she is not that type of girl and was wrongof me to think she would, although I think she may of))

She claimed that she was getting very scared w/ me b/c we were getting too serious and also she relied me on everything for her in life and couldn't do anything herself and felt that if she didnt break away she'd be reliant on me always (i'm 2 years older and out of college). Last weekend I decided to sit down and talk with her after 8 months of not talking. She claims she loves me, am her soul mate, misses me, and wants to work things out. I went in looking for closure, and ended up leaving that night confused and getting all those old feelings back. I know I can't trust her right now and it would be a long road ahead if anything. I really don't know what to do. She is leaving the country this week for 2 months as it is. She said she would end things with him so we could start over and as of now she hasn't. She claims that she won't do it online and that his phone is messed up so she can't get in contact with him. She also said that she felt awkward b/c she will be breaking up with him out of nowhere since "nothing" was wrong. I advised her that if thats the case, stay with him and i'll keep it moving. She says that she needs me in her life and wants it to work.

I really care about her deeply but I am scared crapless to get hurt again. If she was to be 100% honest with me, I could eventually learn to trust her again. I just don't understand what I should do or what I should expect. Apparantly she hasn't told me anything yet. I don't know if shes still too young minded or what the case is. Shes going to be 22 next month. I've tried hanging out with other girls, and it never seems right. I never feel that same comfort level.

dp you think i should possibly be open about it or just attempt to walk away...i mean i've tried to walk away before but i keep thinking about her and getting pulled back in into contacting her

walk away homie, there's millions of girls out there for you to choose from!
i never believe the idea that there will only be one right girl for us men
the facts that she disappeared and actually have not contacted u for 8 months are just too shady imo...if she actually cares about u, she will keep in touch with u even after breakin up
dont stress urself up coz of one girl and dont forget that it will take time for u to be comfortable with other girls
good luck

[ward]

Originally Posted by Squawks

Hey, Explorer - was she your first? Sounds like you hooked up with her at a young age of just 18 - as Sheryl Crow says, "First cut is the deepest".

I think you forgot a "N" in the title of that song


in the word "cut" for the folks that aren't in the gutter like me!

[Explorer3253]

Originally Posted by flush01

well ya, if you always beg her that's no good... you need to move on man, nometter how hot (believe me on this one ) she is ... seems like she doesn't know wtf she wants, and she's telling you all this bullsh!t to feel liked or loved again... it's not supose to be like that, she supose to know that she wants you, period, no ifs or buts or sh!t will work out on it's own (i mean who says that lol)... nothing happens on it's own you need to put work into it, and you did, but she likes the "sh!t working out on its own approch"

it's like if you go to the bank and like the girl who works there, you can either go for the kill and ask her out (and take that 10% chance that she will say yes) or you can just say to yourself "if it's ment to be she will be mine by itself" which is 0% chance ... it's plain stupid to think like that

yeah i know...thats what i always say..you must put work into everything...fate brings to people together only by meeting...its up to the person to take that meeting and make it into something!

[Explorer3253]

Originally Posted by aapriadi

walk away homie, there's millions of girls out there for you to choose from!
i never believe the idea that there will only be one right girl for us men
the facts that she disappeared and actually have not contacted u for 8 months are just too shady imo...if she actually cares about u, she will keep in touch with u even after breakin up
dont stress urself up coz of one girl and dont forget that it will take time for u to be comfortable with other girls
good luck

whats messed up is that i didnt even have a real breakup! She disappeared...at least the other dude (if she did break up with him) would get a real breakup...

and the crappy part is if she is with that guy...shes cheating on him essentially..shes telling another guy that shes "still in love with him" or needs him and this and that and also hugging and kissing (not on lips..but still)

[aapriadi]

Originally Posted by Explorer3253

whats messed up is that i didnt even have a real breakup! She disappeared...at least the other dude (if she did break up with him) would get a real breakup...

and the crappy part is if she is with that guy...shes cheating on him essentially..shes telling another guy that shes "still in love with him" or needs him and this and that and also hugging and kissing (not on lips..but still)

dude i was in your shoes back in dec 03..she just said we should break up, disappeared and by jan 04 she hooked up with a guy who's 2 years older than me...she didnt reply to my phone calls or msgs...and bam she got herself another boy! i was like wtf and decided to move on, i still missed the times we spent together but everytime i think of her, i said to myself: she's not worthy...these kinda girls arent worth ur time and energy
i know it can be difficult but try to forget her...u deserve a better girl

[bavarian19]

Originally Posted by Explorer3253

I've gone on many trips in the past 8 months with my friends, and I'm in the city every weekend going on and having a good time. I just really miss having a girl around to "have fun" and grab dinner or go to the movies and things like that...

It takes the right one to do that... Dont settle... You'll be much happier in the end...