Joke Thread

[nabutes]

Yo mommas so fat she's got more chins then a hongkong phonebook...

[NaTuReB0Y]

yo mama so slutty....i could've been your daddy....but your daddy had $5 more.

[jcase33]

What do you call an old Blonde behind the wheel?


An airbag

[Squawks]

Yo momma so stupid when she jumped out the window, she went up.

Yo momma so ugly Freddy Kruger said HOLY SH*T!

[NaTuReB0Y]

yo mama so fat.....when she got on the scale....it said, "one at a time."

[BellasBmw]

Yo mama so old she was a waitress at the last supper!

Yo mama so fat she has to iron her clothes in the driveway!

Yo mama's like the pillusbury doughboy..everyone gets a poke!

2 gays and 2 lesbians are both leaving for a trip. They are heading to the exact same place and leave the exact same time. Who gets there first?

-the lesbians cause they took route 69 while the gays are still packing their sh*t.

Tee hee hee


If these have been repeated, my bad.

I have a lot of ethnic jokes but .. its prob not a good idea on a public forum.

[EVO_S4]

Yo momma’s so fat she takes posters not pictures, Yo momma’s so fat she went to Jenny Craig's and they said "We asked for your weight not your phone number, Yo momma’s so fat when she went to Sizzlers she got a group discount

[EVO_S4]

Yo momma's so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif
Yo momma's so stupid that she went to a Whalers game to see Shamu
Yo momma's so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals"

[BellasBmw]

Yo mama so ugly she put medusa out of business.
Yo mama so fat when she jumped in a pool, the water jumped out.
Yo mama's legs are so hairy, if you give her a banana and fur coat, they'd put her back in the zoo.

[lcharles]

Getting back to the blondes:

1) What did the blondes left leg say to the right leg? :- Don't know, they have never met.

2) What do you call an intelligent blonde? :- a Golden Labrador

Now for a long one:

Rasbanji and Patel were holidaying in a Nudist colony situated in Chatsworth - The capital of India (guys from SA will get this), anyway, the colony decided to host a fancy dress party one night and each person had to dress up as an emotion.

After some serious pondering, Rasbanji decided to put his "member" in a bowl of custard and Patel stuck his "member" in a pear.

Standing in the queue at the entrance to the fancy dress, a bouncer asks the guy two down from Rasbanji & Patel who had painted himself from head to tail in red: "What emotion are you?" The response was, "Iam Red with anger"

The next guy had painted himself green. The bouncer asked "So what emotion are you?" The response, "Iam am green with envy".

Now Rasbanji and Patel approach the bouncer: "So what emotions are you?"

"Can't you tell? I am F**king Disgusted and he is F**king Despair"

[mjh93sa]

Be proud to be British because ................

Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.........

Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front...........

Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke...........

Only in Britain... do banks leave the doors open yet chain the pens to the counter.........

Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk in the garage........

Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place............

Only in Britain ... is the call to your local Barclays Bank routed via call centres in India..........

Only in Britain ... can you be imprisoned for whacking a burglar in your own home..........



NOT TO MENTION... 3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives in place of screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas trees while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years by eating Christmas decorations they thought were made of chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

101 people since 1999 have had broken pieces of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lighted cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.

And finally.........

In the year 2000 eight Brits cracked their skulls whilst throwing up into theToilet.

RULE BRITANNIA ! !

[findtom]

A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother
notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "Did anything
special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your
father when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch.
Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear
you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's
head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've
been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass
is killing me."

[timzerofive]

[Squawks]

Damn, NICE one, tom! hahahah! That gulf wars poster is a classic.

[lcharles]

Questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website and were answered by the website owner.

Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? ( UK )

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometres. Take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa ? ( Sweden )

A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa ? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town , Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? ( USA )

A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not... Oh forget it Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in South Africa ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get there and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa ? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is.. oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa ? ( France )

A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa ? ( Germany )

A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? ( USA )

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

[NaTuReB0Y]

Originally Posted by findtom

A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother
notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "Did anything
special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your
father when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch.
Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear
you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's
head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've
been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass
is killing me."

damn...you subscribe to Playboy magazine! ahahaha!

[hotsand5]

what do you call 4 blondes at a four way stop........an eternity

[lcharles]

Two blondes on either side of a river.

The one calls to the other : "Hey, how do I get to the otherside?"

The other ponders for a while before responding : "Hey, YOU ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE"

[BellasBmw]

Blonde and a brunette are standing ontop of a building. They both jump at the exact same time, who hits the ground first?

The brunette cause the blonde had to stop and ask for directions.


What do you call 2 gay men in a sleeping bad?

-A fruit roll-up

[Squawks]

What happens when you:-

1) have nothing to do
2) own a sharp knife
3) have a large lime
4) own a patient cat
5) drink too much tequila
6) and it's American football season?

[wweoholic]

What happens when you:-

1) have nothing to do - JERK OFF
2) own a sharp knife - GO AFTER THE GUY IN MY PARKING SPOT
3) have a large lime - POP A CAN OF PEPSI
4) own a patient cat - I HATE CATS
5) drink too much tequila - NEVER TOO MUCH
6) and it's American football season? - BASEBALLS BETTER

[timzerofive]

What happens when you:-

1) have nothing to do - Go driving in my BMW
2) own a sharp knife - Car jack a guy in a BMW and go driving in his BMW
3) have a large lime - Dip it in my rasberry icetea while driving my BMW
4) own a patient cat - Stuff it in the trunk while Im driving my BMW
5) drink too much tequila - Don't go driving my BMW
6) and it's American football season? - Tailgate in my BMW