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Battery issue. I am surprised you got anything after letting it sit for six months, normally the battery is flat by that time.
The battery is always unde a 20-40mA current draw when off and everything is working properly. At some point, it will draw enough that the car won't be able to start.
Jump it, charge the battery and see how she holds a charge.
Wipers come on cause of a CAN bus voltage issue. All modules will act crazy weird when they car is below 10v and above 15.5v.
This all sounds completely normal to me for an aged battery or one that was heavily discharged.
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