[vladinecko]

here is something i would write to you if you were in prison:

Dear Derek,
how is the correctional facility paid by our tax dollars treating you these days? I hope you're doing fine. I myself am not so good. It all started this morning when I found a big piece of bird crap on my HUMMER H1. I managed to wash it off but it made me so angry I SHOT a few PIGEONS. Thankfully, it's legal here. That will teach those flying rats not to shit all over my car.
It continued even more horribly, Derek. My favorite STARBUCKS was undergoing some minor upgrades and so I couldn't get my 1/2 fat milk 32% caramel 48% chocolate frozen mocca da caviata latte cappuccino in a grande cup. Not a good start of my day! In spite all of this misfortune, I've decided to go to work. After all, I had an important meeting with my good old pal Lee Raymond to discuss some other ways to CRIPPLE ALTERNATE FUEL research and development. The meeting went really well, Derek. I was awarded an extra $1.2 million bonus for my exceptional ideas of moving our ALASKA DRILLING program forward.
After a very cruel-some morning, an even more upsetting evening followed. As I was speeding down some country roads, a stupid family of four deer came out of nowhere and stood steadily in the middle of the road starring at my HUMMER. I don't have to tell you it was a rather small task for my lovely Hummy, as I call it, to wipe those f*ckers off the road. However, Derek, they left a very nasty blood mark on my reenforced-steel bumper and I already emptied entire bottle of my quick-detailer on those morning misbehaved bird-poopers. Well, wouldn't you know it, there was a WALMART right down the road. Lucky me, I said! The blood came off very easily, however, I got very annoyed by a group of BLACK & MEXICAN GAY people asking me to contribute to this STEM CELL RESEARCH. I said, HELL NO. Who am I, John Kerry? I thought to myself, I sure hope president Bush's amendment to ban marriages among those creatures will pass.
When I got home, I couldn't decide whether to get a juicy 1/2 lb. CHEESEBURGER or a tender medium-rare file-mignon STEAK. Derek, you'd know I couldn't resist either of those, so I just got both. After such a meaty meal, I just sat down and wrote my daily THANK YOU letter to the W for INVADING IRAQ and told him once again his cooperation in this matter will be greatly rewarded.
This was my day. Hope yours is better, Derek.
Love, X.