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      09-18-2020, 01:59 AM   #1
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How's your marriage holding up?

I might cry from relief this morning! Hubby told me last late spring he is switching jobs but I completely had forgotten about it. Thanks to covid, all Finnish engineers have been stuck in their home offices from late February, which has been hell.

With the unemployment numbers climbing here too, we should all be happy to to have the financial security we have but instead of course our Finnish mentality makes my friends and I complain endlessly. The engineers, which is our entire male population i think, make this easy.

It's like the men have spent most of the year perfecting the art of annoying us. Our dearest family friend now spends time shopping for pants that wouldnt make an annoying swoosh sounds while her husband obsessively rubs his own tighs while in conference calls. She has sworn from march on the sound comes to her dreams. It has come to a point where the hubby has to go to their summer home to work so she can work from their home. He is no longer allowed to wear pants at home at all.

There has been stories about wives burning all pens in houses. The constant clicking has become an issue. One of my neighbors is contemplating murder because of constant ankle rolling.

*warning: heavy lying ahead*
I'm an extra calm person, not at all temperamental ever so what my hubby does has gone down well here. *end of lying*

When he started working from home, stealing my study mind you, he stopped shaving. The blotches, the hair pointing everywhere, the man looks like a half skinned bear. I've stopped putting on lights because I can't watch it. Of course that's not all of it.

Thanks to covid, he has been naming animals he feeds outside. Birds, squirrels, a hedgehog. They all have individual names. He has charts of sightings of them. He imitates them, for example a few weeks ago he saw a squirrel using it's tail as an umbrella, he started to rub his back while commenting on the newly discovered ability of the bushy rat. Now I can't look at the man without seeing him with a tail.

Then there is the licking of the ugliest moustache ever grown. The sound has gotten ingrained to my brain and I'm pretty sure that's the only sound produced by a human that can penetrate through my 50 cm thick concrete floor.

My brothers wife is a prosecutor and I asked her if all these things can be used to argue self defense. Since the dear brother has taken up rubbing his belly all day, every day, she thinks I should test this. A crime of passion it would be not.

It is only fair to admit that us ladies are not doing much better. One of my friends is now a compulsive knitter, one is painting bad art, I have so many new power tools I should start leasing them out just to have some floor space even for a bit. I also have a salvaged wood collection rottening on my yard and I'm trying to find a cabin to buy from an island, preferably a few hundred miles away from home. My neighbor has a bonsai tree forest on her yard cuz she keeps trimming them all day, every day.

I'm hoping he will shave to fetch new gear from the new company. That's my only hope I'm holding on to. Considering they all are looking like bears these days it is a slim hope, but that's all I have.

Anyway. I should be reading a boring report on how the economy is doing and adjusting a piece of portfolio according to the info, but I swear I keep hearing the moustache licking from the other side of the house. The neighbor is cutting shit on her yard so I'm guessing ankles are rolling there.

I'm telling you guys, married folks should not have to endure spending time together. This is hell.

Are you all doing better than us?
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How would you know this? Did mommy catch you jerking off to some Big Foot porn ?

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      09-18-2020, 02:17 AM   #2
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Don't feel bad. My wife recently informed me I breathe too loud. Also I don't clean enough.

Times are tough. Everyone is on edge. Try to make the best of it.
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      09-18-2020, 02:28 AM   #3
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Don't feel bad. My wife recently informed me I breathe too loud. Also I don't clean enough.

Times are tough. Everyone is on edge. Try to make the best of it.
The breathing thing is a common one too! That drives us wives nuts!

I forgot to admit that he was supposed to share my study with me but he kicked me out since he needs the space and quiet where as I apparently talk to myself and to the houseplants while I try to decide something. The final straw was me explaining the building process of the arch in St Louis to an orchid while drawing up a bed frame. I am very lucky to be alive.
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You're still a little new here, so I'll let you in on a little secret. Whenever Lups types gibberish, this is an opportunity for you to imagine it to be whatever you'd like it to be.
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How would you know this? Did mommy catch you jerking off to some Big Foot porn ?
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      09-18-2020, 02:47 AM   #4
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      09-18-2020, 05:39 AM   #5
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We hit a rough patch a few months ago. I think she had "lock down" brain. She contacted an ex on Instagrim to ask why he never married her. He'd cheated one time on her but she had forgiven him. He then proposed and she said yes. As men do... baby I was horny and she was ugly... I'm sorry I was stupid I won't do it again. They were due to elope but he never showed. It bothered her to this day. More than ten years into our marriage to this day!!!

We met 6 months after her break up.

He tried to woo her back when she was messaging him. Spun her a yarn about the sex being on fire and how he'd leave his wife for her. How his wife had accepted that she'd never be able to replace her. He went on to say how he had been cheating on his wife for more than 6 years and was part of different sex clubs taking risks. We all define risk differently and I would say risk is a $20 hooker and 1 year old condom which it was in his case. Telling his wife how getting head wasnt cheating.

We fell out big time. I didn't want to be around her. I thought about how I might end up like my old man who used to go for days or weeks ignoring my mom after an argument. I was planning on leaving for a few days to clear my head and thought she can have the house it she wants it. I'll rent a condo close to work and sell my car.

Anyhow, we worked through it. I spoke to a good friend who said you need to be there for your wife. So I was rather than causing a rift.

The arguments continued and she is the Queen of winning arguments. She will say the most hurtful and twisted thing even if she doesn't mean it. She said: "I wish I had fucked him." In response to when I kept telling her how wrong it all was.

That was it. I snapped. I haven't shed a tear in front of her since my niece was killed in an auto accident. She's seen me soften then. Also when my nana died. Other than that she hasn't seen me break down but I did... and I told her she didn't deserve me. It completely changed things. She couldn't stop apologising and said that I was right...


At first I didn't even want to listen to anything but she told him it was his loss. Despite the pressure he put her under to meet she refused. He pushed her to sleep with him and said she'd know what they had was special. He has bi-polar and he'd call into work sick and take exotic vacations so she was drawn into that side of things. The wealth. He had a few car dealerships under his belt. However, he also spent a lot of time in rehab when he was out work so she was like a mom to him. I can see why he'd want that stability. With her he would take his medication and attend his therapy but after the break up it became hit and miss.

The better man won. If I ever see the guy I'd shake his hand to thank him for walking away from such an incredible woman. Then I might give him a shiner on both eyes. I told my rabbi and he was like cool I get it he's a schmuck. My rabbi never usually uses that language but he was pretty annoyed too.

I reminded her that when we met. I cut off all the ladies before her. Never reached out to anyone. There were plenty of Susan's and Sophie's I could have ended up with but I didn't... and it never plagued me why. Left it be and moved on .com!

The study has been taken over by me as I work from home 2-4 days a week. She has started a new job part time so we need to get an extra desk for her.

In a fucked up way it made our marriage stronger. Brought us closer together in a way it never did before.

She's recovering from lung cancer at the moment but I'm still there. I guess I felt a bit insecure since and asked what was so good about the sex... then I upped my game and outdid him. Every once in a while a lady likes to be yanked around, have hair pulled and, smashed hard... if you don't someone else might try to remind her.

Anyhow fuck it. Rambled on enough. It's all good. I know a lot or people who have divorced though. My boss was the first. He was dreading working from home. Found ways to go into the office. Then eventually he called it a day. Scary learning that it's not the person you'd have married if you knew them well enough.
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      09-18-2020, 06:05 AM   #6
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I have been locked in a house with my wife going through her first pregnancy. I just keep my head down and pay bills....
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      09-18-2020, 06:24 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Soul_Glo View Post
We hit a rough patch a few months ago. I think she had "lock down" brain. She contacted an ex on Instagrim to ask why he never married her. He'd cheated one time on her but she had forgiven him. He then proposed and she said yes. As men do... baby I was horny and she was ugly... I'm sorry I was stupid I won't do it again. They were due to elope but he never showed. It bothered her to this day. More than ten years into our marriage to this day!!!

We met 6 months after her break up.

He tried to woo her back when she was messaging him. Spun her a yarn about the sex being on fire and how he'd leave his wife for her. How his wife had accepted that she'd never be able to replace her. He went on to say how he had been cheating on his wife for more than 6 years and was part of different sex clubs taking risks. We all define risk differently and I would say risk is a $20 hooker and 1 year old condom which it was in his case. Telling his wife how getting head wasnt cheating.

We fell out big time. I didn't want to be around her. I thought about how I might end up like my old man who used to go for days or weeks ignoring my mom after an argument. I was planning on leaving for a few days to clear my head and thought she can have the house it she wants it. I'll rent a condo close to work and sell my car.

Anyhow, we worked through it. I spoke to good friend who said you need to be there for your wife. So I was rather than causing a rift.

The arguments continued and she is the Queen of winning arguments. She will say the most hurtful and twisted thing even if she doesn't mean it. She said: "I wish I had fucked him." In response to when I kept telling her how wrong it all was.

That was it. I snapped. I haven't shed a tear in front of her since my niece was killed in an auto accident. She's seen me soften then. Also when my nana died. Other than that she hasn't seen me break down but I did... and I told her she didn't deserve me. It completely changed things. She couldn't stop apologising and said that I was right...


At first I didn't even want to listen to anything but she told him it was his loss. Despite the pressure he put her under to meet she refused. He pushed her to sleep with him and said she'd know what they had was special. He has bi-polar and he'd call into work sick and take exotic vacations so she was drawn into that side of things. The wealth. He had a few car dealerships under his belt. However, he also spent a lot of time in rehab when he was out work so she was like a mom to him. I can see why he'd want that stability. With her he would take his medication and attend his therapy but after the break up it became hit and miss.

The better man won. If I ever see the guy I'd shake his hand to thank him for walking away from such an incredible woman. Then I might give him a shiner on both eyes. I told my rabbi and he was like cool I get it he's a schmuck. My rabbi never usually uses that language but he was pretty annoyed too.

I reminded her that when we met. I cut off all the ladies before her. Never reached out to anyone. There were plenty of Susan's and Sophie's I could have ended up with but I didn't... and it never plagued me why. Left it be and moved on .com!

The study has been taken over by me as I work from home 2-4 days a week. She has started a new job part time so we need to get an extra desk for her.

In a fucked up way it made our marriage stronger. Brought us closer together in a way it never did before.

She's recovering from lung cancer at the moment but I'm still there. I guess I felt a bit insecure since and asked what was so good about the sex... then I upped my game and outdid him. Every once in a while a lady likes to be yanked around, have hair pulled and, smashed hard... if you don't someone else might try to remind her.

Anyhow fuck it. Rambled on enough. It's all good. I know a lot or people who have divorced though. My boss was the first. He was dreading working from home. Found ways to go into the office. Then eventually he called it a day. Scary learning that it's not the person you'd have married if you knew them well enough.
Marriage can be really tough. My first wife used to say hurtful shit to me when we argued which was all the time. We've been divorced almost 30 years and I can still hear that shit in my head. Hopefully for all of us this lockdown stuff will start easing up. Good luck.
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      09-18-2020, 07:34 AM   #8
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I have been locked in a house with my wife going through her first pregnancy. I just keep my head down and pay bills....
My wife and I are having our twins tomorrow. She has been raw dogging this whole Covid thing pregnant and sober. Thankfully we haven't had too may spats, but I am "essential" and haven't missed a day of work all year except for two doctors appointments before being unable to accompany her. I know shes ready for a few glasses of wine but we have been pretty good through all this.
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      09-18-2020, 07:42 AM   #9
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The wifes parents and mine lived about 150 mtrs apart and we used to play together at the age of three which i can just about remember parts of. We never knew each other through school but hooked up at the age of 16, married at 22 and are still going strong 35 years later. We get on so well, yes I shout at her from time to time, its only ever in my head though and I'm sure she does the same. I don't understand why people remain together when they are so irritated by each other. We have friend like that, you only have one chance at life so why spend a huge part of it unhappy
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      09-18-2020, 07:44 AM   #10
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SSDD here. We're back to our offices on campus, but even when we work from home, we have separate home offices. The biggest change for us is not eating out, which we used to do 3 or 4 nights a week. Wifey has picked up the slack by doing virtually all the cooking, and I know she's getting tired of that. I need to pick up that skill.
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      09-18-2020, 07:47 AM   #11
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12 yrs of marriage, told her I was ready to call it quits. To me everything was only one sided and arguments ended with me changing and apologizing. Problems that existed in the beginning hadn't changed and I was ready for a change. My mind was, and still is, plagued with thoughts of myself not being good enough, something is wrong with me, why can't I do anything right, etc, etc. (Yes I have an anxiety and depression disorder) So, yea I finally in my mind made the decision to leave. However having 12yrs of stuff and a house and dogs make it really difficult in my mind. I'm already dealing with enough already. For some people, is easier to stay and work at it than part.

So I changed myself. Stopped asking myself whats wrong with me to make this happen and decided that maybe someone else can make me happy. That being me first. I was doing what I wanted to do. Going out and enjoying my life instead of just sitting at home all day. I was ready to do things by myself. It seemed like everything I wanted to do was too much of a chore almost. I'm talking walking on the beach, being romantic more, date nights, going on adventures more, etc. We don't have kids so there really is no excuse that we're not living our lives to the fullest.

Well I told her this. I told her everything that was troubling me. I'm not going to get into details. I cried. Like a baby. It tore me apart inside to make that decision and to tell her felt like I betrayed the one person I'm not supposed to.

Things have actually kinda gotten better. I mean the physical portion is getting better, I'm still scared that things are going to end up the way they were. Emotionally I still have my walls up. I've never had walls up in my relationship, but now I do. I don't know, maybe I'm hoping for the best but protecting myself. I suppose I was done feeling like the problem. Like I'm the reason for the mess. The issues that weren't solved over all this time made it engrained in me to think that's my fault. When I made the decision to let it all go, some feelings left too. At times I feel connected again, but honestly I don't feel confident.
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      09-18-2020, 07:55 AM   #12
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On my second marriage, 8 years on Monday. The first one only lasted 33 years and a few months, but it was in the 32nd year that my now-ex failed the test Soul-Glo’s passed (well, a similar test).

For me, the small things that seem to matter in the moment really aren’t worth getting upset over - at the same time, being small, they should be easy to change. If my wife tells me she doesn’t like me clicking a pen over and over, for example, I think I could stop. But I am kind of addicted to breathing.

I have a mental role model, since my parents were a terrible couple marriage-wise. The model is a bit romanticized, but it is the couple that owns a corner market 100 years ago. They work the market all day, then go upstairs to work the house, taking care of the kids, and possibly parents, all the while. They don’t complain, don’t have social security, don’t have much. But they have each other, family and, to them, a good life. I think to myself, if they could find peace and happiness and enjoy life together, surely I can do the same with the many economic advantages I have over them. Maybe that is the problem: the economic advantages and their pursuit gets in the way of a good life.

My wife has her quirks and annoyances, and I tell her gently about the ones that get under my skin. She tries to do better. But I won’t let them, or my reaction to them, come between us. And if she mentions one of my legion of faults (some of which I can acknowledge), I try to do better.

I’ve been working at home 2 days a week and at the office 3 since March. My home office fortunately is a separate room in the basement (lower level if you have money, I’m told). I don’t see her much when I’m working, so it isn’t very different from my office days.

I’m going to retire soon, and she is concerned about too much time together, which might be the core of Lups’ concern. We are going to sell the house and move to a smaller place at the beach, but I’ll be active in some, or many ways. That will give us time to our selves as well as time together, which really is rare and precious when I’m working (and traveling) full time. The new house is big enough for us to have “separate corners” - one of her requirements, and a good one.

The little things, petty annoyances, should flow like water off a duck’s back. There is really no reason to let them change my attitude and ruin what otherwise is a very good life.

But Lups, neither of us is an engineer and I can’t imagine that horror. I work with engineers all day and that is surely enough penance for whatever sins I committed earlier in life!
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      09-18-2020, 07:58 AM   #13
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My wife and I are having our twins tomorrow. She has been raw dogging this whole Covid thing pregnant and sober. Thankfully we haven't had too may spats, but I am "essential" and haven't missed a day of work all year except for two doctors appointments before being unable to accompany her. I know shes ready for a few glasses of wine but we have been pretty good through all this.
Congratulations! Hope they emerge strong and healthy and your wife pulls through great as well.
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      09-18-2020, 08:05 AM   #14
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Congratulations! Hope they emerge strong and healthy and your wife pulls through great as well.
They are a little small so they are coming out a little early. Thankfully the doctors haven't seen anything that would lead them to believe they will need NICU time, which is great because we found out yesterday while filling out paperwork that our local hospital doesnt take my wife's insurance. I just bought someone at Piedmont hospital group a nice used car. Oh well, I can worry about that after I know mama and babies are safe.
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      09-18-2020, 08:10 AM   #15
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SSDD here. We're back to our offices on campus, but even when we work from home, we have separate home offices. The biggest change for us is not eating out, which we used to do 3 or 4 nights a week. Wifey has picked up the slack by doing virtually all the cooking, and I know she's getting tired of that. I need to pick up that skill.
Cooking is my favourite hobby and letting the spouse attempt his skills in it has not been fun. I'd be very careful about her equipment.
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How would you know this? Did mommy catch you jerking off to some Big Foot porn ?
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      09-18-2020, 08:14 AM   #16
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I must admit, I was VERY VERY glad to get back to work at the end of July and have an excuse to get out the house.
My wife was working in the office Mondays and Fridays from the start of July, but only went back all 5 days from September.

It got to the point where we were almost avoiding each other in the day time just to get our own space. We weren't really arguing or anything, and we'd spend the evenings together, but there is such a thing as too much time together. Everyone needs a bit of "me time"

But the little annoying things just seem to annoy you even more when you're around each other all the time. It was good to get back into work for just 2 days in mid-June, that restored some sanity, and then full time from end of July.
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      09-18-2020, 08:15 AM   #17
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SSDD here. We're back to our offices on campus, but even when we work from home, we have separate home offices. The biggest change for us is not eating out, which we used to do 3 or 4 nights a week. Wifey has picked up the slack by doing virtually all the cooking, and I know she's getting tired of that. I need to pick up that skill.
Do you grill? I have been grilling and smoking a ton of meals lately since my wife is pregnant. There is the bonus of some alone time while out on the deck working the grill.
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      09-18-2020, 09:04 AM   #18
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Thank you. All of you. For reminding me of why marriage is not for me. Done it twice, never again.

Current relationship, 4 years. She has her house, I have mine. We spend time together daily, but she has her life, I have mine. Shit is currently a little rocky, tensions are high, she has a lot going on with her kids, finances and whatnot. At the same time, I'm simply continuing to go to work, gym and handling my business waiting for her to calm down a bit. Hopefully she can get shit resolved soon and things can back to whatever the hell normal is. Seems like relationship issues are rampant at the moment.
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      09-18-2020, 09:17 AM   #19
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Reading all this, I'm glad we split before lockdown. It would have been ugly. First marriage was 20 years. I swore off men. 8 years after I left I started most recent relationship which went almost 9 years, got engaged in 2017 after 6 years. Bought a house and moved in together April 2018. Tough dynamics with his 21 year old son living with us. At least it ended before we got married. I am officially done with men.
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      09-18-2020, 09:32 AM   #20
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Well, we both worked from home prior to the pandemic, so not a ton has changed for us - other than general anxiety levels being ratcheted up a bit.

We seem to get along pretty easily, though. I thought it was - at least in part - because I traveled all the time, but I haven't been on the road for nearly a year and it's still pretty much the same. We even went though a renovation during the lockdown - 6 week project turned into 5+ mos.

Lucked out, I guess.

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      09-18-2020, 09:37 AM   #21
Sassicaia
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My marriage hasn't suffered as a result of the lockdown. Not to say its perfect, or we dont have our own issues, but the lockdown surprisingly hasnt made it harder, but in many ways brought us closer. I've retreated to woodworking and cooking (I've literally perfected home made pizza) when I need a break, and purchased a sex swing which I'd recommend to everyone.

We're both home body type people, so don't need the constant socializing to stay happy and frankly are perfecting content being in the same room and just shutting the fuck up.

Connection is key though which is a shit load of practice. Lots of counselling to learn to just listen and accept has been some of the best money we've spent and might be what set us up for success to get through this and hopefully every year ahead. What drove us into counselling in the first place wasn't fun, but if those times were today and we couldnt have access to counselling and learning it would have created a nuclear winter.

Here is a list of my top things getting through this and staying happy in the marriage in no particular order:

1.) Our Pelaton
2.) Sex Swing
3.) Home improvement projects
4.) cooking
5.) Documentaries and various episodes.
6.) alone time
7.) 20 minutes of dedicated connection time daily
8.) hours of alone time
9.) Killing many vintages of my Chateaunuf Du Pape
10.) online shopping like a Mofo

I've learned I can go pretty long stretches sticking to that list

To the person/persons recovering from an affair I cant recommend enough the "affair recovery" videos on you tube and the TED talk from Ester Perel. I know more than one couple that have recovered and they have been a go to for them.
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      09-18-2020, 10:06 AM   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by M_Six View Post
SSDD here. We're back to our offices on campus, but even when we work from home, we have separate home offices. The biggest change for us is not eating out, which we used to do 3 or 4 nights a week. Wifey has picked up the slack by doing virtually all the cooking, and I know she's getting tired of that. I need to pick up that skill.
Or get some good takeaway, pick up some flowers, set the table and put on some Barry White.
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